my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
