i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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