so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
