Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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