9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
