my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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