She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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