I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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