I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize