Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize