My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
