She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
