My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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