Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
