I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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