I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
