I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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