So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
