Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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