Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
