apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
