She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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