the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
