i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
