phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize