I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize