He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
