Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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