dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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