I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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