i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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