Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
