when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
