My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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