Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
