Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
