i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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