Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
