Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
