You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
