Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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