I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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