Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize