My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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