I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
