I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I love you. Go after that dick
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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