Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
