I met the friendliest cop last night
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
