I could have mohawked her pubes.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I could fuck to npr.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
