the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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