Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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