so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
