I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
