Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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