I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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