to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
