I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
