If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
