I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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